Study Reveals Coon
Lake Beach Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie
Attack January 31, 2008 News Alert
Coon Lake Beach—A
zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by East Bethel Mayor Greg
Hint and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to
a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training
and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk
for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according
to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.
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Coon Lake Beach, a prime target of the undead. "When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated
human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the
wheel," Hunter said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions
to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night?
If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming
the earth in search of human brains by Friday."
Government-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on
the State Department's website indicate that a successful, citywide zombie
takeover would take 10 days, but according to ZPI statisticians Dr. Michael
Jackson and Warren Zevon, the government's models fail to incorporate such
factors as the zombies' rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use.
"Today's zombies quickly learn to open
doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," Jackson said.
"In one 1985 incident in Ham Lake, a band of zombies was able
to lure four paramedics and countless law-enforcement officials to their deaths
by commandeering an ambulance radio and calling for backup."
ZPI researchers noted that hundreds of Coon
Lake Beach citizens live in close proximity to a cemetery, well kind of
close. This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation
levels in eastern Minnesota and ongoing traffic issues in the Forest Lake
and Anoka areas, led Zevon to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation
as "slight to impossible."
"The designated evacuation routes would be hopelessly clogged,
leaving many no choice but to escape by foot," Zevon said. "Add
a single lurching zombie into that easily panicked crowd and you've got a
nightmare scenario."
Jackon-Zevon' model shows that after the ensuing
stampede, "the zombie could pick and choose his victims,"
and predicts the creation of hundreds of new undead "in a single half-hour
feeding frenzy."
Coon Lake Beach's structural defenses are particularly inadequate.
The city's emergency safe house, established by a city ordinance in the early
'70s, lack even the most basic fortifications for zombie invasion.
Coon Lake Beach residents participate in a zombie-preparedness
training exercise in 2006.
"Under the ordinance, wooden tool sheds
and rusty station wagons are classified as adequate shelter,"
Zevon said. "But once dozens of zombies hungering for living flesh
begin pounding on the walls and driving their half-decomposed fists through
the windows, sheds and cars quickly give way."
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. George
Paavola downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move
slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over
their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as
a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist
William Matara, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly
outdated."
"Dr. Zevon's claims are based on decades-old
zombie models," Matara said.
"Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies
can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."
Added Matara: "That FUMA
trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head,
demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."
Coon Lake Beach, Police Chief Eric Moholt
said zombie preparedness comes down to training on the local level.
Moholt said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be
hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere."
Zevon recommends
that Coon Lake Beach residents prepare a "go-bag"
containing a Glock 17 pistol and 50 rounds of ammunition. If leaving the house
is not an option, Zevon advises residents to barricade all first-story doors
and windows, and have at least one method of escape prepared, should zombies
successfully breach the home.
Like a chant, there are always a few things that people need
to keep in mind. This article has some basic tips that one would hope any
individual who has spent more than a few days on this site would be able chant,
if not in these exact words, with some semblance to the basic premise.
This is a very bad idea. Zombies transmit their virus by biting
or scratching. The last thing you want to do is get close. On the other hand
sometimes life puts you in weird situations. What if you're forced to retreat
by a crowd of the walking dead and retreat into an empty room?
It is convenient for one to assume that they will be at home
the zombies appear -- the home gives the owner a sense of security and familiarity.
However, assuming this will be the case could prove fatal if Z-Day happens
to be during your family vacation. This article is meant to simply explain
an effective plan outline for the common tourist.
The Top Three Zombie Outbreaks
in U.S. History Combine disasters with warm climates and you truly have a recipe for
a major outbreak, as the following stories prove.
Key West, 1935: Zombie
bodies prepared for disposal On Labor Day, September 2, 1935, a major hurricane on the
Florida Keys, rolled over the island, destroying virtually everything standing.
Amid the destruction, infected rats began roaming
the island, and by morning, the first of the zombies appeared. Many
islanders mistook the zombies for dazed hurricane survivors and the plague
spread across the island like wildfire. Scores of people drowned when they
chose to leap into the choppy surf rather than face the voracious zombies.
A total of 3500 people were infected and destroyed,
an enormous number considering that there was a zombie vaccine available at
this time.
Vicksburg, Mississippi, 1863
!863 was the pivotal year of the American Civil War. The Union army, sensing
victory, tried to deal a knockout blow to the Confederacy.
A zombie attacks a Union soldier in Vicksburg On June 17, city residents spotted the first zombie, and within days,
dozens were wandering about. This development hardly worried the
30,000 Confederate troops protecting the city; they entertained themselves
by conducting target practice on the zombies. But with their supply lines
cut off, the Confederate troops soon ran out of ammunition, and the zombies
kept coming. To this day, Southerners claim that the Union let the zombie
plague continue out of pure malice.
Hawaii, 1892
Queen Lili'uokalani
At the beginning of the 1890s, Hawaii found itself in a tug of war between
native islanders,
In August of 1892, a zombie plague that had begun
among Chinese laborers in the sugar cane fields of Oahu spread to
Honolulu. Wave after wave of zombies came staggering out of the jungle, forcing
desperate islanders to board outrigger canoes and flee to neighboring islands.
Despite her fear of losing independence, the Queen
had no choice but to ask the United States for help. A detachment
of FVZA troops arrived in the fall and quickly wrested control of the city
from the zombies. But the surrounding countryside proved more difficult to
clear, and more FVZA agents were called in. The sugar growers took advantage
of the chaos and panic by launching a coup, and the Queen was deposed. Hawaii
was annexed by the United States in 1898.
There has long been suspicion that the sugar growers
let the plague go in order to destabilize the queen, a suspicion
strengthened by the fact that the top growers left Hawaii shortly after the
outbreak began. Whatever the case, Hawaii's 1893 zombie outbreak killed
just under 2000 people, making it the third-worst in U.S. history.
Minnesota
